A Last-Minute Holiday Gift Guide for the Serial Procrastinator (Yes, I'm Pointing at You)
I'm just here to help.
If you think the “A” in my middle name stands for Atticus or Anthony, then boyyyyyyy, do I have a surprise for you.
That “A” is for anxiety—as in, not being worth a damn until my Lexapro decides to cooperate. As in, “Yeah, I’d love to come inside, but I’m in the driveway waiting for Cleo Sol to talk me out of this panic attack.” As in, “What do you mean Christmas is only a week away?!”
Oops.
So yeah, it might look a little barren under your Christmas tree, but because I’m Black and marvelous, guess who's here to help? And trust me, I’m pretty good at this.
So without further ado, here’s a last-minute procrastinator’s gift guide to salvage your marriage Christmas morning.
Ray-Ban Meta AI Glasses
I know Sarah Connor tried to save us from Skynet and all that, but why fear the future when it can ride your face?!
Okay, maybe that didn’t come out right, but regardless, the second generation of Ray-Ban’s Meta AI Glasses are comprised of all the hopes and dreams we had as children, miraculously brought to life.
Can they capture pictures and 3k videos? Yup. Do they have Bluetooth speakers for music and making drug deals phone calls? Yup. Are they AI-enhanced with a voice assistant to answer your every beck and call? Yup. Can they poplock or swag surf? Helllllllll nah. But they’re still dope as hell, and you need them in your life immediately.
Omaha Steaks
If you’re vegan, you might wanna cover your eyes with a bowl of quinoa or something, while the rest of us heathens arm wrestle for what’s left of the chimichurri.
If I could hug a medium filet mignon, I would. But since I’d much rather have it on my plate than my armpits, Omaha Steaks is really good at that whole red meat thing. From steaks to burgers, salmon to pork chops, they’ve got it all—even the desserts (like molten lava cakes) and sides (like that mistress your kids keep asking about).
Plus, if you snatch up one of their glorious gift boxes for the missus, and there’s a 93% chance you’ll never sleep on the couch again.
You’re welcome in advance.
Crown Royal Chocolate Flavored Whisky
Just because DEI is a thing of the past doesn’t mean your bar cart has to comply.
And because diversity brings out the best in literally everything but the White House, it’s only right that the fine folks at Crown Royal have extended their multi-billion-dollar enterprise to include the one thing that drives Kardashians crazy: plastic surgery chocolate.
So buy a bottle (or seven), pick a recipe, and enjoy your Dr. Umar-flavored blessing.
Kenmore AquaLite 3-in-1 Cordless Hard Floor Cleaner
If you’re like me and loooove to vacuum excessively, but hate anything to do with mopping, then congratulations! Because today’s your lucky day.
Why spend your afternoon vacuuming up dirty-ass floors, then mopping when you can do both at the same damn time? And to my shock and awe, the Kenmore AquaLite 3-in-1 Cordless Hard Floor Cleaner is also equipped with a self-cleaning system. That way, your vacuum won’t have to get ready, because it’ll stay ready.
GoNutz
You’re probably looking at this pic and wondering, “What the hell is that?”
Well, no, R2-D2 didn’t trip and fall on a dominatrix. This is actually GoNutz, arguably the greatest personal grooming device in the history of ever. And I can say that with my entire chest because you can use it in the shower, it self-charges and self-cleans, and it’s designed for both women and their male counterparts’ parts.
Keeping everything sleek and sexy downstairs has never been easier.
Bevel 3-Step Skin Essentials Kit
Imagine snatching up those aforementioned Ray-Ban Meta AI Glasses and not having luxurious melaninated skin to match. That's a travesty, if I've ever heard one.
Thankfully, Bevel loves Black folks almost as much as Rachel Dolezal does. So it should come as no surprise that their 3-Step Skin Essentials Kit is top tier. You can never go wrong with any skin routine that includes a face wash, moisturizer, and exfoliating pads, which makes this a clutch acquisition for those of us scrambling for Christmas gifts in the bottom of the 9th inning.
Macallan Timeless Collections
Featuring some jaw-dropping artwork from the David Carson, Macallan’s Timeless Collection is a delectable ode to its European roots. So whether you have an affinity for sherry oak or you’re more of a double cask connoisseur, trust and believe Macallan will get you right.
Your Christmas won’t be the same without it.